i am trying not to suffocate (in this heat, but
mostly in general, smile firmly in place until the very
last). the window is open, even though the
clouds are weeping. maybe i am stupid but i want
to fall asleep like this, listening to earth calm itself
down after a break[down] and maybe i am insane
as well because i can’t bring myself to care that
there are tears in my windowsill.
after the storm i might get up and return to regularly
scheduled programming but the static in my
brain is a better place to fall back into when they
repeatedly push my buttons.
if i were older you
would take me seriously, reading this, bu then, if i
were older i wouldn’t be feeling this.
(see, there’s the problem - the thing about the
future is that i keep taking myself out of it).
i am lying here thinking and i don’t want to think
of anything because i will be thinking of you and i am
not ready to pretend that all of this is ok.
see, i am lying here writing this and half of me
isn’t even here, just floating around in the void. i am
empty and tired and furious because here i am
derailing myself and you are nowhere to be found.
i wanted this to be beautiful but i ruined it, and
that is the thing about trying to string together words
when you are not sure if you want to stay alive.
(you drown in them).